Cultural Arts District Unveils New Park, Deemed “The Slab”
by Sam Joaquin
Fresno, CA - The cultural arts district recently opened its new park located on the corner of Fulton and Calaveras streets, a beautiful gray slab of concrete. At the ribbon cutting, mayor Lee Brand made a brief speech while flanked by a representative from one of the parks major sponsors, Band-Aid® brand bandages.
He spoke of the parks features, stating, “This is the cutting edge in drought-tolerant landscaping. Instead of cool green grass, it has a hot slab of concrete. Instead of pesky trees, it has weird canopies that don’t really provide much shade. And also, in order to discourage vagrants from using the park, there are no benches or tables. There’s basically nothing even vaguely reminiscent of what you would normally call a park.”
While some detractors point our that Fresno is already ranked 78th in “green space”, and that adding a “park” that is gray, not green, shouldn’t really count as an improvement, there is one vocal supporter, in the form of corporate sponsor, Band-Aid® brand bandages. Their representative spoke after the mayor, complimenting the innovative design of the park. “When we look at this park, we envision the astronomical amount of skinned knees and elbows children will suffer while trying to play on The Slab, and we are excited. As we say at corporate headquarters, ‘crying children mean money.’ Most mothers wouldn’t take their kids to play in a parking lot, but by calling this a park when it really isn’t one, we hope that the misinformed will do just that at The Slab. and then, cha-ching!”
If for some reason you’re interested in taking your kids there, The Slab is open to the public from 9am to 6pm, but after that, beat it.
No grass, no trees, no benches... No problem!
He spoke of the parks features, stating, “This is the cutting edge in drought-tolerant landscaping. Instead of cool green grass, it has a hot slab of concrete. Instead of pesky trees, it has weird canopies that don’t really provide much shade. And also, in order to discourage vagrants from using the park, there are no benches or tables. There’s basically nothing even vaguely reminiscent of what you would normally call a park.”
While some detractors point our that Fresno is already ranked 78th in “green space”, and that adding a “park” that is gray, not green, shouldn’t really count as an improvement, there is one vocal supporter, in the form of corporate sponsor, Band-Aid® brand bandages. Their representative spoke after the mayor, complimenting the innovative design of the park. “When we look at this park, we envision the astronomical amount of skinned knees and elbows children will suffer while trying to play on The Slab, and we are excited. As we say at corporate headquarters, ‘crying children mean money.’ Most mothers wouldn’t take their kids to play in a parking lot, but by calling this a park when it really isn’t one, we hope that the misinformed will do just that at The Slab. and then, cha-ching!”
If for some reason you’re interested in taking your kids there, The Slab is open to the public from 9am to 6pm, but after that, beat it.
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