BREAKING NEWS: Downtown Fresno Residents See Increase in Waist Lines As Frosty Queen Opens
by Zara Arboleda Jr.
It was a cold January day set in one of the coldest winters that I could remember. I was on my way to Frosty Queen, a new spot that had just opened up in Downtown Fresno, to meet with a confidential informant who said she had a "big scoop" for me.
I arrived a little before she did, so I grabbed a seat at one of their outdoor eating areas. As my butt cheeks froze to the chair, it became apparent to me that this was a terrible idea. I didn't want to look like a fool so I just kept sitting there and watched people go by. One little boy spilled his soda and began to cry. What a sucker.
And then she approached.
The last time I had seen her, my informant was in the prime of her life. She had taken up running after a vicious break up and poured all of her sadness and frustration into it. Somehow she had managed to lose 40 lbs and had the BMI of a Greek salad.
But this was not the CI that I had known.
She now weighed at least 300 lbs, a fact that was made worse by her wardrobe which she clearly hadn't updated since the weight gain began. She spilled out of her jeans faster than the soda had spilled from that little boy's cup.
"What happened!?" I wondered a little too out loud.
"It's this Frosty Queen place," she replied. "It's just too damn good."
We talked for a bit about this sudden weight gain. Apparently it's been happening to everyone Downtown.
"When I first moved down here, Downtown was a place where all the sexy young people with good jobs were living. Now it looks like the spaceship from Wall-E," she lamented.
Oh, and that "big scoop" she had for me? It was ice cream.
After our meeting, I decided to go for a walk through the Mural District. I ran into a lot of people, many of whom corroborated my CI's story.
"It's the only place Downtown that's open just...all the time," said one gentleman I spoke with.
"I can't f*$#ing stop eating it," said another.
One woman was more optimistic. "Yeah, I moved down here to be around all these sexy people looking to have sexy times," she said, "but now that Frosty Queen is here I'm just happy. I'm happy all the time. Unless I don't have my FQ that day..."
When asked about this health epidemic, newly elected Mayor of Fresno Lee Brand said, "That's the free market for you. If people want to shove delicious burgs down their throats at an alarming rate, why, they have every right to do so."
I reached out to Granville to see if their rental units were engineered to compensate for this increase in weight. They have, as of yet, not responded.
For GBF News, I'm Zara Arboleda Jr.
It was a cold January day set in one of the coldest winters that I could remember. I was on my way to Frosty Queen, a new spot that had just opened up in Downtown Fresno, to meet with a confidential informant who said she had a "big scoop" for me.
I arrived a little before she did, so I grabbed a seat at one of their outdoor eating areas. As my butt cheeks froze to the chair, it became apparent to me that this was a terrible idea. I didn't want to look like a fool so I just kept sitting there and watched people go by. One little boy spilled his soda and began to cry. What a sucker.
And then she approached.
The last time I had seen her, my informant was in the prime of her life. She had taken up running after a vicious break up and poured all of her sadness and frustration into it. Somehow she had managed to lose 40 lbs and had the BMI of a Greek salad.
But this was not the CI that I had known.
She now weighed at least 300 lbs, a fact that was made worse by her wardrobe which she clearly hadn't updated since the weight gain began. She spilled out of her jeans faster than the soda had spilled from that little boy's cup.
"What happened!?" I wondered a little too out loud.
"It's this Frosty Queen place," she replied. "It's just too damn good."
We talked for a bit about this sudden weight gain. Apparently it's been happening to everyone Downtown.
"When I first moved down here, Downtown was a place where all the sexy young people with good jobs were living. Now it looks like the spaceship from Wall-E," she lamented.
Oh, and that "big scoop" she had for me? It was ice cream.
After our meeting, I decided to go for a walk through the Mural District. I ran into a lot of people, many of whom corroborated my CI's story.
"It's the only place Downtown that's open just...all the time," said one gentleman I spoke with.
"I can't f*$#ing stop eating it," said another.
One woman was more optimistic. "Yeah, I moved down here to be around all these sexy people looking to have sexy times," she said, "but now that Frosty Queen is here I'm just happy. I'm happy all the time. Unless I don't have my FQ that day..."
When asked about this health epidemic, newly elected Mayor of Fresno Lee Brand said, "That's the free market for you. If people want to shove delicious burgs down their throats at an alarming rate, why, they have every right to do so."
I reached out to Granville to see if their rental units were engineered to compensate for this increase in weight. They have, as of yet, not responded.
For GBF News, I'm Zara Arboleda Jr.
Comments
Post a Comment