Get Over It! 2016 Wasn't All That Bad
by The GBF Writing Staff
So honestly, 2016 has been kind of a bummer of a year. It started like a dinner at Yoshino’s: everybody was excited for what was in store. But then it ended like, well, a dinner at Yoshino’s. It left left us covered with a weird greasy film and now we’re scrambling for the nearest bathroom just to get what’s left of it out, haunted by the aroma of burnt onion volcanoes.
It has been rough, man! Here’s some of the hits- The hottest mayor in Fresno history went lame duck on us, the Fulton mall went rogue and decided to become a street again, and Mike Briggs is still somehow living in a house, instead of his natural habitat, a weasel warren. Darius Assemi, the developer, felt betrayed by the city despite the millions of dollars of ostensibly free property that it gave to him, and Peeves, the downtown pub opened by the former downtown czar... downtown, somehow managed to lose money quicker than a drunk poet and failed... downtown. Oh, and Livingstones burned down. And the year isn’t even done yet!
But there were some high points, and we here at GBF would like to share some of ours with you guys. We’re gonna polish this turd of a year until it sparkles.
#1 Wendi Lane
Whenever the news gets too hard to hear, and reality feels like a burden, we here at GBF naturally turn to KMPH Fox News. It’s relaxing, it’s an hour long, and the reporters all have a casual, unassuming style that can warm the soul like a home knit scarf. The best one on staff is Wendi Lane. She has a great, matter-of-fact delivery that seems to always sound like she’s just as surprised by the story as you are. It’s like every time the camera cuts to her, she’s saying, “Oh shit you guys, you gotta check this out!”
Look out for her in 2017’s ladies of primetime.
#2 Hustler Hollywood is coming to Shaw and 41
Fresno is a pretty fun town. Like a first date that is pretty much down to do whatever you want. Especially if it involves zoning laws. Put a sex shop on Shaw & 41? Sure, why not? Apparently, Fresno’s position on zoning is “any position you like!” We plan to let our kinky flag fly in 2017, telling every tourist on their way to Yosemite that this is a town that knows how to have a good time.
#3 The Fresmoji
Most of you may have missed it, but in the iOS 10.1.5 update, Apple decided to add the Fresno flag to that seventh page of emoji that nobody looks at or ever uses. You know, where all the flags are. On April 17th, from 5 AM until 8 PM, our majestic brown, blue, and puke green banner was available to express emotions that words that cannot convey. Unfortunately, due to its lack of use, in the iOS 10.1.5.2 update, it was changed to a grape leaf with a pirate flag stuck in it. Fifteen minutes later, in iOS 10.1.5.3, it was changed to a frowny cat face. It was a fun fifteen hours while we had an emoji, though. When asked for comment, a genius at the Fashion Fair Apple store was quoted, saying, “...what are you talking about? There was no iOS 10.1.5 update. And no, our restroom is for employees only.”
Here on staff, Perry Champlain swears that he saw the Fresmoji one time when he was in the middle of sending a text, but he dropped his iPhone 3g and cracked the screen and was therefore unable to send it.
It will forever live on as an unsent drunk text, waving proud in the iCloud.
#4 Dusty Buns Shut Down
I know this seems heartless but I promise you it's not. For those of you who don't know, GBF made its name 4 years ago by making fun of their Grilled Cheese (a sandwich which our reviewer openly admitted he hadn't tried).
People got really mad. ArcHop (which was a failed Art Hop type thing where you just go look at buildings or some shit like that) said "fuck you" to us. The Fresno Beehive made fun of us (and they still won't list us on their website even though they have a whole section of "Blogs from Fresno" and "Blogs about Fresno")(although, to be fair, they also don't list The Fresnan and they call That Fresno Blog, "The Fresno Blog").
Needless to say, it was a good time.
But you know what? Despite the fact that everyone loved them and everyone hated us, we're still here and they're not.
That's right! We win suckers!
#5 Dave & Buster's comes to town
Dave & Buster's has finally opened up a shop in Fresno which is great for one key reason:
You now don't have to worry about running into all those losers from High School you're always trying to avoid while drinking.
That's right, while you're off pounding drinks like an adult at a real bar, they're gonna be paying for $9 margaritas while shooting Skeet Ball. Thank god for that.
That's it folks! Another year is gone and we're excited for 2017! We have absolutely nothing planned and I'm sure it will be boring as hell.
So honestly, 2016 has been kind of a bummer of a year. It started like a dinner at Yoshino’s: everybody was excited for what was in store. But then it ended like, well, a dinner at Yoshino’s. It left left us covered with a weird greasy film and now we’re scrambling for the nearest bathroom just to get what’s left of it out, haunted by the aroma of burnt onion volcanoes.
It has been rough, man! Here’s some of the hits- The hottest mayor in Fresno history went lame duck on us, the Fulton mall went rogue and decided to become a street again, and Mike Briggs is still somehow living in a house, instead of his natural habitat, a weasel warren. Darius Assemi, the developer, felt betrayed by the city despite the millions of dollars of ostensibly free property that it gave to him, and Peeves, the downtown pub opened by the former downtown czar... downtown, somehow managed to lose money quicker than a drunk poet and failed... downtown. Oh, and Livingstones burned down. And the year isn’t even done yet!
But there were some high points, and we here at GBF would like to share some of ours with you guys. We’re gonna polish this turd of a year until it sparkles.
#1 Wendi Lane
Talk about good news!
Whenever the news gets too hard to hear, and reality feels like a burden, we here at GBF naturally turn to KMPH Fox News. It’s relaxing, it’s an hour long, and the reporters all have a casual, unassuming style that can warm the soul like a home knit scarf. The best one on staff is Wendi Lane. She has a great, matter-of-fact delivery that seems to always sound like she’s just as surprised by the story as you are. It’s like every time the camera cuts to her, she’s saying, “Oh shit you guys, you gotta check this out!”
Look out for her in 2017’s ladies of primetime.
#2 Hustler Hollywood is coming to Shaw and 41
Ho Ho Ho Fresno!
Fresno is a pretty fun town. Like a first date that is pretty much down to do whatever you want. Especially if it involves zoning laws. Put a sex shop on Shaw & 41? Sure, why not? Apparently, Fresno’s position on zoning is “any position you like!” We plan to let our kinky flag fly in 2017, telling every tourist on their way to Yosemite that this is a town that knows how to have a good time.
#3 The Fresmoji
(shown to scale)
Most of you may have missed it, but in the iOS 10.1.5 update, Apple decided to add the Fresno flag to that seventh page of emoji that nobody looks at or ever uses. You know, where all the flags are. On April 17th, from 5 AM until 8 PM, our majestic brown, blue, and puke green banner was available to express emotions that words that cannot convey. Unfortunately, due to its lack of use, in the iOS 10.1.5.2 update, it was changed to a grape leaf with a pirate flag stuck in it. Fifteen minutes later, in iOS 10.1.5.3, it was changed to a frowny cat face. It was a fun fifteen hours while we had an emoji, though. When asked for comment, a genius at the Fashion Fair Apple store was quoted, saying, “...what are you talking about? There was no iOS 10.1.5 update. And no, our restroom is for employees only.”
Here on staff, Perry Champlain swears that he saw the Fresmoji one time when he was in the middle of sending a text, but he dropped his iPhone 3g and cracked the screen and was therefore unable to send it.
It will forever live on as an unsent drunk text, waving proud in the iCloud.
#4 Dusty Buns Shut Down
I know this seems heartless but I promise you it's not. For those of you who don't know, GBF made its name 4 years ago by making fun of their Grilled Cheese (a sandwich which our reviewer openly admitted he hadn't tried).
People got really mad. ArcHop (which was a failed Art Hop type thing where you just go look at buildings or some shit like that) said "fuck you" to us. The Fresno Beehive made fun of us (and they still won't list us on their website even though they have a whole section of "Blogs from Fresno" and "Blogs about Fresno")(although, to be fair, they also don't list The Fresnan and they call That Fresno Blog, "The Fresno Blog").
Needless to say, it was a good time.
But you know what? Despite the fact that everyone loved them and everyone hated us, we're still here and they're not.
That's right! We win suckers!
#5 Dave & Buster's comes to town
Dave & Buster's has finally opened up a shop in Fresno which is great for one key reason:
You now don't have to worry about running into all those losers from High School you're always trying to avoid while drinking.
That's right, while you're off pounding drinks like an adult at a real bar, they're gonna be paying for $9 margaritas while shooting Skeet Ball. Thank god for that.
That's it folks! Another year is gone and we're excited for 2017! We have absolutely nothing planned and I'm sure it will be boring as hell.
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