GBF's Worst Public Restroom in Fresno
Presented by The Editor
If we take the name "rest room" literally, then a public toilet should be a place where we can be comfortably shielded from the outside world; a respite from our shopping trips or drunken nights on the town. Some establishments take this to heart while others do not. Others put such little effort into their restrooms that they should be called "utilitarian rooms". Others put you in uncomfortable situations based on design flaws.
These are the stories of the others.
One more thing. You'll notice that none of our nominees include pictures of their restrooms. As I was doing my research for this, I realized that pulling out a camera in a restroom is considered "a crime". Whatever.
Fashion Fair (by the courtyard)
Once you do get to the restroom, you'll find that there is a family restroom, a woman's restroom, and a men's restroom. The problem? They're all kind of the same restroom. Who hasn't made it all the way down the hallway only to be struck with panic and the thought, "Oh shit, what have I done?!?"
Unsung benefit of using this restroom: You will learn to pay very close attention to signs.
Stone's
Drinking at Stone's (that's Livingstone's Restaurant and Pub for the uneducated) is a Fresno tradition. If you didn't learn to drink at Stone's, you can't call yourself a drinker.
Well, for a place that fills your body with diuretics, Stone's does a piss poor job of accomodating...well...all that piss. The men's room is no larger than a closet. If you don't pee on anyone (including yourself) it's a miracle.
And don't even think about trying to take a shit there. If you absolutely have to drop a 2-sy, you're guaranteed to go through an existential crisis.
Now, the caveat here is that this only applies to the men's room.
One night, I had had far too many gin & tonics and as I stumbled towards the restroom, the door to the ladies' room swung open and I could have sworn that place was a private club. A soft amber glow twinkled as the women of Fresno lounged about like lionesses waiting for their kill. As quickly as the vision came, the door swung shut and I have never glimpsed the inside ever again.
Unsung benefit of using this restroom: You will finally get practice using the squat technique which is supposedly better for you.
Parking Structure on Merced/Fulton
Years ago I was on the Fulton mall when I had to peepee. This was before Peeve's or even FBC were around so I couldn't just pretend to buy a beer in there and then slither on to the back. I wandered around for what felt like hours looking for a place to relieve myself when finally I saw the restroom (pictured above).
A literal river of shit flowed out the door. I felt like Indiana Jones as I jumped from clean tile to clean tile. It appeared that this restroom had become a homeless camp, but when I arrived it was vacant. Despite this, I was convinced the occupant would return at any moment with a broken bottle to stab into my back. I quickly finished and made it out alive.
Unsung benefit of using this restroom: You will learn to use all your senses while toileting.
Pho 75 #2 (or any restaurant in the Pho district, really)
I've actually never used the restrooms at any of these places, however I've heard they're nasty. I believe it, too, because even if their restrooms are slightly cleaner than their dining rooms then they're still among the nastiest in Fresno.
Which I don't think is a bad thing. I'm a firm believer in the Dirty Restaurant ∝ Delicious Food theorem. Just don't ask me to poop there.
Unsung benefit of using this restroom: You can wash your hands, I guess. But don't touch anything. Like at all.
There you go. Now it's time to vote. Have your own "Worst Restroom in Fresno"? Share it with us cause we definitely want to hear it!
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