A Rival for Fresno

by Mike Schnauz, Sports Writer

Every great city has its rival.

Let me start over. Every city whose residents think it's great has its rival. I mean, look at Oakland. Do you think anyone wants to live in Oakland? Hell no. That's basically what the final scene in Moneyball was about. But give them a rival (San Francisco) and all of a sudden everyone loves it.

If Fresno hopes to rise up, we need to hate someone and we need to hate them now.

But first, let me break down why some of these other cities can't be our rival.


Bakersfield

Bakersfield is a joke. As far as I'm concerned Fresno can be the "armpit of California" because that leaves a lot more adequate comparisons for Bakersfield. I'm gonna go with "taint". I'd say it was the butthole but that would mean Bakersfield was actually good for something. The only thing Bakersfield is good for is getting sweaty and itchy.

I mean, the last name of the most famous person to come out of Bakersfield is literally "Haggard".

Don't think for a minute that Bakersfield is anywhere near good enough to be our rival. 

Visalia

I actually have nothing bad to say about Visalia. I just don't think it should be our rival. Visalia is like our little brother. Actually, it's more like our little sister. She's pretty and sometimes we have to protect her from douche bags. But at the end of the day, Visalia is a small town. She may think she's big but she ain't. Big bro will always be here casting a shadow on her.

Clovis

The great Clovis Fart.

I think it's important for people from Fresno to hate Clovis. I sincerely mean that. Clovis, you suck. Stop acting like you're better than Fresno. You are literally just a neighborhood in Fresno. A neighborhood that I hate.


And now, may I present Fresno's rival...

SACRAMENTO!

This is so right it scares you. Sacramento thinks it's SOOOOOOOOOO cosmopolitan. My ass.

Let's take a look at what's good about Sacramento:

• A terrible movie starring Katherine Heigl took place there.
• They have an NBA team, the Kings. What are they the kings of, anyways? Not winning a championship since 1951?
• It's the capital of Calfornia.

That's literally it. Big deal.

Here's the truth about Sacramento:

• It's almost just as hot as Fresno, with an average of 14 days where the temperature exceeds 100 degrees. They'll try to tell you Sacramento is cooler than Fresno, but it's still hot as balls.
• They don't have a UC. They have a CSU--just like Fresno. 
• Their nickname is "Sack-town". WTF?!?
• Their population is smaller than Fresno's.

That's right. Sacramento has a population of 485,199 while Fresno has a population of 520,159! We win, bitches!

Also, look at our respective flags. Tell me whose is cooler.

Who designed theirs? A child?

And don't think for a minute that The Sack has any respect for Fresno. They're laughing at us just as much as everyone else. Probably more. But I have no proof.

So there you go, Fresno. We can do this. Let's start a rivalry and let's hate Sacramento. Here is the official picture for the campaign. Let's spread the word. Someone make this into stickers and stick them all over The Sack.