GBF's Best Dive Bar in Fresno

By Perry Champlain, Resident Drunk

Editor's note: Initially we wanted to just name the Best Bar in Fresno. Not knowing about many bars, we contacted our friend Perry Champlain who immediately pointed out that there are many types of bars and that we would need multiple categories. Over the next few weeks we will have a competition for each, culminating in the Best "Overall" Bar in Fresno.

Hey there my fellow Fres-nite-life lovers, today I’m introducing our new “Drinks & Drunks” section, where I will be periodically reviewing shot shooting, judging some glugging, and sippin & tippin. So I’m gonna kick it off with our dive bar contest!


The dive bar holds a special place in my heart. There’s something comforting about heading to a dimly lit, dank pit to drink where---no matter how low you feel---you are pretty much guaranteed to be sitting next to someone who’s got it worse off than you. Shady deals take place in dark corners between shifty characters who you deliberately avoid eye contact with. If you look around a dive bar and can’t spot a scummy degenerate, you’re either in a nice bar that’s merely pretending to be divey or you are the scum! They’re like the Mos Eisley cantina from Star Wars, and let’s face it, Fresno is pretty much Tatooine, so we’d better have some good (dis)respectable dives.

We’re going to leave it up to you to decide the best dive in the ‘No. Keep in mind that the contest isn’t establishing the best dive bar, but the divey-est dive bar in Fresno. Please vote accordingly.

The victor will win our illustrious “Brown Pruno Award”.

There were some criteria that had to be met in order to qualify. Now, this is by no means a complete list, but these are some of the symptoms of being a dive bar:

• Has a juke box, preferably with Judas Priest on it.
• There is a poster up for the 2011 Raiders Season Schedule.
• They’ll probably let you smoke inside.
• Even though they have a little neon martini glass sign, they DO NOT serve drinks in a martini glass, so don’t ask.
• While we’re at it, don’t order a mixed drink unless its recipe is also its name.
• The bathroom is obviously for urination only. It is humanly impossible to poop there, either due to lack of privacy, lack of room, lack of toilet paper, lack of toilet seat, etc.
• The walls and/or ceilings are covered with goofy crap, not artful or interesting crap, but obviously the result of some drunk idea that will never be taken down. Think cocktail napkin doodles from the mid 90s.
• The first time you go there, everybody looks at you with suspicious disgust, like they’re thinking “who the fuck is this narc?”

…just to name a few. What’s not to love? Anywhoo, on with the competition! The nominees are:

Club Brazil

This dive has everything that you’d want –waitresses in tube tops, dollar bills tacked to the ceiling, bras on the ceiling, and an ample smoking patio consisting of a converted alley with some picnic tables. Located next to the stadium downtown between homerun alley and… whatever the other alley there is, this spot is definitely alley adjacent, which benefits its dive-bar credentials. The juke box blasts tunes out into the street, enticing drinkers like a sirens call. Another plus is that this joint is tiny, I mean TINY. If you cram 35 people in here it’s like rush hour on the subway – hot, sweaty, and very frugal. The yelp reviews for this place read like semi-drunk love letters – all three! That should count for something,  right?


Ewell’s Place (Specifically the Ewells Place on Dakota)

What a dive! Ewells place, located Just across Dakota from Manchester Center, is a prime contender for the dumpy crown, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. This is the kind of bar where you can really blow off some steam and relax, because you don’t have to worry about maintaining any level of self respect once you’re there. I once heard a story from a patron which I think epitomizes this bars diveyness. Apparenty, he was doing lines of cocaine off the bar, and he offered one to the bartender. Normally, this would be enough to cement this bars dive qualifications, but Ewell’s didn’t stop there. So, the bartender agreed and snorted the line, and, wait for it, got angry with the patron because it wasn’t METH!

Now THAT is a dive bar! Whooeee! If you want a laugh, look through the yelp reviews for this spot. They are hilarious!

The (Captains) Brig 

Ahh, The Brig. The Brig is almost too good at being a dive bar, if you know what I mean. Although located on Blackstone (dive points!) North of Gettysburg, stepping in for the first time, it feels as if you hopped off your boat on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride and snuck through a doorway into a pirate bar behind the scenes, replete with a boozy animatronic bartender. From the dusty nautical décor to the Joe Dirt lookalike slinging drinks, this place just seems like it sprang from a Hollywood soundstage. And it has a karaoke night! It’s perfect…a little too perfect…

Herein lies the dilemma: Is authenticity important to being a dive bar? Can a dive bar deliberately try to be dumpy and off-putting, or should that be an unintended consequence of it’s initial failed attempt at being a decent bar? Does it even matter when you’re getting shit-housed off of $3 shots of Jack Daniels? These are philosophical questions best left for another round, but worth thinking over before you cast your vote.


Its up to you Fresno, cast your vote and choose the top watering hole for watered-down drinks, public house for the intoxicated in public, and the best place to cheers your sorrows away at a reasonable price.

As always, voting will last all weekend and end Monday (3/7/16) at 8 AM. You can vote once per day. We've also included a spot for write-in votes, too, in case Perry somehow missed a place. But Perry knows his booze holes.

VOTING HAS CLOSED

AND THE WINNER IS...