Fresno Teacher Posits Groundbreaking Mathematical Theorem
by Sny Sneedly
FRESNO, CA - Local arithmetic instructor Harlan Elrich was featured in the New York Times for stunning the world of theoretical mathematics. In an iconoclastic fashion, he recently posited that under certain conditions, 1 plus zero can result in a larger sum.
“Usually, in order to start with the positive integer 1 and end up with 2, you would have to add 1 to it again.” He explained, in a derisive tone.
“The whole math community wants you to believe that 1+1=2, but it simply isn’t true! ” He excitedly continued. “I’ve found a way to achieve a net gain of 1 without contributing anything to it! And it’s all mine!” He cackled, wringing his hands with mischievous delight.
It turns out that Mr. Elrich doesn’t want to pay his teachers union dues, but he is more than happy to reap the benefits that being in a union grants him. So he is suing the Fresno Unified teachers union, in an attempt to avoid paying his fair share. “I’ve found a way to get something for literally nothing. This is revolutionary!” He boasted in his recent TED talk.
The fallacy that Mr. Elrich refers to is known within the the community of the educated élite as the “there’s no such thing as a free lunch” law of math, physics, and general common sense. In it, the logic goes, something must be added into a given system if positive output is desired. This was eloquently described by S. Dogg of Compton University in 1993:
The reasoning behind his lawsuit, Mr. Elrich explaned in the Times article, is that since he “[can] choose what gym I want to join”, he should also be free from the responsibility of paying for the contract negotiations that his union has made for him. Judging his physique by the photo in the Times, it appears that his ideal gym is the “nonexistent” type, or at least the kind of gym that features a really hot room that you just sit and sweat in.
Unfortunately, not all in the mathematics field agree that something can come from nothing. Michio Kaku, Professor of Theoretical Physics at the City College of New York, recently addressed this issue, calling Mr. Elrich a “dumbass freeloader”.
FRESNO, CA - Local arithmetic instructor Harlan Elrich was featured in the New York Times for stunning the world of theoretical mathematics. In an iconoclastic fashion, he recently posited that under certain conditions, 1 plus zero can result in a larger sum.
“Usually, in order to start with the positive integer 1 and end up with 2, you would have to add 1 to it again.” He explained, in a derisive tone.
“The whole math community wants you to believe that 1+1=2, but it simply isn’t true! ” He excitedly continued. “I’ve found a way to achieve a net gain of 1 without contributing anything to it! And it’s all mine!” He cackled, wringing his hands with mischievous delight.
It turns out that Mr. Elrich doesn’t want to pay his teachers union dues, but he is more than happy to reap the benefits that being in a union grants him. So he is suing the Fresno Unified teachers union, in an attempt to avoid paying his fair share. “I’ve found a way to get something for literally nothing. This is revolutionary!” He boasted in his recent TED talk.
The fallacy that Mr. Elrich refers to is known within the the community of the educated élite as the “there’s no such thing as a free lunch” law of math, physics, and general common sense. In it, the logic goes, something must be added into a given system if positive output is desired. This was eloquently described by S. Dogg of Compton University in 1993:
Now that I got me some Seagram's ginProf. Dogg well illustrates the paradoxical nature of getting something for free that other people may have had to “chip in” for. Here, 1+0≠2.
Everybody got they cups, but they ain't chipped in
Now this type of shit happens all the time
You got to get yours but fool I gotta get mine
The reasoning behind his lawsuit, Mr. Elrich explaned in the Times article, is that since he “[can] choose what gym I want to join”, he should also be free from the responsibility of paying for the contract negotiations that his union has made for him. Judging his physique by the photo in the Times, it appears that his ideal gym is the “nonexistent” type, or at least the kind of gym that features a really hot room that you just sit and sweat in.
Unfortunately, not all in the mathematics field agree that something can come from nothing. Michio Kaku, Professor of Theoretical Physics at the City College of New York, recently addressed this issue, calling Mr. Elrich a “dumbass freeloader”.
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