Chukchansi Casino Re-Opens with Improvements for 2016
By Sam Joaquin
A LITTLE NORTH OF FRESNO, CA - Chukchansi Casino, known locally as “(I’m sick of Table Mountain so let’s try) That Other Casino”, recently opened its doors after a nearly 15 month closure. Referred to as a “retooling” by casino representatives, they were eager to point out precisely how much can be improved during a forced shutdown.
A spokesman for the casino, introduced to us as “Chief Operating Officer” gave GBF a tour of the premises recently and showed us what was new.
“We hired an efficiency expert to tell us where we could cut some corners,” He explained. “He basically just told us that if we don’t get shut down by the government again for horribly mismanaging everything, we ought to be okay. But I didn’t want to stop there. We have improved everything!” He exclaimed, throwing his cowboy hat in the air and spinning in place like Mary Tyler Moore.
Beaming with pride as we wandered through the smoky, noisy casino floor, he lead us through a crowd of happy gamblers. “The first thing we fixed was the air filters,” he explained, cigar chomped firmly in his mouth, “most people here like the smoke, so we got ridda those.”
“Next, we improved the buffet. The plates are 25% bigger. You know what that means right? More food per trip! We found that our patrons don’t want to be bothered with the time it takes to make that 5th trip to the buffet.”
“The quality of the food has improved as well,” he went on, “we now have both Krab and Klobster, and we will soon be adding Klams and Kloysters to our seafood bar.”
Chief Officer was proud to point out that the overall gambling experience had been improved also. “We loosened our slots. All of them! Let me tell you, if you think you’ve seen a loose slot, you don’t know what you’re talking about until you slide a coin into one of these babys.” He declared as he pointed at a Spongebob Squarepants themed slot machine.
We were then reminded that Chukchansi is more than just a casino, it’s also a resort and concert venue. He told us about the concert lineup for 2016. “We stacked it like a no-bust blackjack deck! All the best tribute bands that money can buy, for ticket prices comparable to seeing the actual band! This season, it will only be tribute acts of recently deceased performers. We have Davvy Stardust, The ¾ Eagles, and some Scott Weiland Cover band. I don’t know why anyone would do it, but I hear they’re the only one on Earth!”
We wrapped up the tour outside the casino, the Winter sun about to set behind the nearby foothills. It cast a bittersweet orange glow across the Chief’s noble features as he gave one last plea for attendance.
“Please get people to gamble here, alright?” He said, “I know we had a sweet deal, where people basically would drive for 45 minutes just to give us their money. And we somehow screwed that up. So we’ve got a second chance now, and we’ve got a lot of bills to make up for. The Yokuts are gonna break our knees if we don’t pay them what we owe them… This is off the record, right?”
A new promotional picture released by "Chuky Cheese"
A LITTLE NORTH OF FRESNO, CA - Chukchansi Casino, known locally as “(I’m sick of Table Mountain so let’s try) That Other Casino”, recently opened its doors after a nearly 15 month closure. Referred to as a “retooling” by casino representatives, they were eager to point out precisely how much can be improved during a forced shutdown.
A spokesman for the casino, introduced to us as “Chief Operating Officer” gave GBF a tour of the premises recently and showed us what was new.
“We hired an efficiency expert to tell us where we could cut some corners,” He explained. “He basically just told us that if we don’t get shut down by the government again for horribly mismanaging everything, we ought to be okay. But I didn’t want to stop there. We have improved everything!” He exclaimed, throwing his cowboy hat in the air and spinning in place like Mary Tyler Moore.
Beaming with pride as we wandered through the smoky, noisy casino floor, he lead us through a crowd of happy gamblers. “The first thing we fixed was the air filters,” he explained, cigar chomped firmly in his mouth, “most people here like the smoke, so we got ridda those.”
“Next, we improved the buffet. The plates are 25% bigger. You know what that means right? More food per trip! We found that our patrons don’t want to be bothered with the time it takes to make that 5th trip to the buffet.”
“The quality of the food has improved as well,” he went on, “we now have both Krab and Klobster, and we will soon be adding Klams and Kloysters to our seafood bar.”
Chief Officer was proud to point out that the overall gambling experience had been improved also. “We loosened our slots. All of them! Let me tell you, if you think you’ve seen a loose slot, you don’t know what you’re talking about until you slide a coin into one of these babys.” He declared as he pointed at a Spongebob Squarepants themed slot machine.
We were then reminded that Chukchansi is more than just a casino, it’s also a resort and concert venue. He told us about the concert lineup for 2016. “We stacked it like a no-bust blackjack deck! All the best tribute bands that money can buy, for ticket prices comparable to seeing the actual band! This season, it will only be tribute acts of recently deceased performers. We have Davvy Stardust, The ¾ Eagles, and some Scott Weiland Cover band. I don’t know why anyone would do it, but I hear they’re the only one on Earth!”
We wrapped up the tour outside the casino, the Winter sun about to set behind the nearby foothills. It cast a bittersweet orange glow across the Chief’s noble features as he gave one last plea for attendance.
“Please get people to gamble here, alright?” He said, “I know we had a sweet deal, where people basically would drive for 45 minutes just to give us their money. And we somehow screwed that up. So we’ve got a second chance now, and we’ve got a lot of bills to make up for. The Yokuts are gonna break our knees if we don’t pay them what we owe them… This is off the record, right?”
Comments
Post a Comment