BREAKING NEWS: Scharton says Fulton Canal "is a go"
by Mike Schnauz
Fresno, CA- After recent concerns that the Fulton Street project will go over the intended budget, local business owner and famed casserole lover Craig “The Schart” Scharton has proposed an entirely new scheme to revolutionize Downtown Fresno (DTF).
“By extending the Dry Creek Canal from Tower District into the heart of DTF, we can create a tourist attraction the likes of which has never been seen before in America. We’ll call it the Fulton Canal,” Mr. Scharton said in a press conference on Wednesday.
Pointing to evidence of the popularity of aquatic themed attractions elsewhere, such as The Ocean, Venice, the hotel in Las Vegas that is like Venice, and The Island Waterpark, Scharton says this is the attraction that will solve all of Fresno’s problems.
Both the Downtown Fresno Partnership and the Downtown Fresno Coalition support this idea; the former because Scharton is their God, and the latter because they’ll support anything that doesn’t make sense. Scharton says the bilateral support is just what the project needs to push forward.
As for what they plan to do with the canal, plans are already underway.
“We’ll have gondolas in the summer. Businesses that face the Canal will be allowed to use it for sewage. And in the winter we won’t have to worry about the Ice Skating Rink. We’ll just freeze that shit,” said an enthusiastically literal Aaron Blair, president of the DFP.
The one detractor to the project is Bill Kuebler, Director of the Tower District Marketing Committee. “The Dry Creek Canal has historically been a Tower District Canal. I’ll be damned if anyone but the homeless youth of the Tower District have access to that filthy water.” Despite Kuebler’s comments, we had a hard time finding any Tower Residents or Business Owners who shared his sentiments.
Fresno City Council will be voting on the project soon, and construction should begin by the end of 2016.
Fresno, CA- After recent concerns that the Fulton Street project will go over the intended budget, local business owner and famed casserole lover Craig “The Schart” Scharton has proposed an entirely new scheme to revolutionize Downtown Fresno (DTF).
“By extending the Dry Creek Canal from Tower District into the heart of DTF, we can create a tourist attraction the likes of which has never been seen before in America. We’ll call it the Fulton Canal,” Mr. Scharton said in a press conference on Wednesday.
Pointing to evidence of the popularity of aquatic themed attractions elsewhere, such as The Ocean, Venice, the hotel in Las Vegas that is like Venice, and The Island Waterpark, Scharton says this is the attraction that will solve all of Fresno’s problems.
Both the Downtown Fresno Partnership and the Downtown Fresno Coalition support this idea; the former because Scharton is their God, and the latter because they’ll support anything that doesn’t make sense. Scharton says the bilateral support is just what the project needs to push forward.
As for what they plan to do with the canal, plans are already underway.
“We’ll have gondolas in the summer. Businesses that face the Canal will be allowed to use it for sewage. And in the winter we won’t have to worry about the Ice Skating Rink. We’ll just freeze that shit,” said an enthusiastically literal Aaron Blair, president of the DFP.
The one detractor to the project is Bill Kuebler, Director of the Tower District Marketing Committee. “The Dry Creek Canal has historically been a Tower District Canal. I’ll be damned if anyone but the homeless youth of the Tower District have access to that filthy water.” Despite Kuebler’s comments, we had a hard time finding any Tower Residents or Business Owners who shared his sentiments.
Fresno City Council will be voting on the project soon, and construction should begin by the end of 2016.
It's meatloaf that The Schart loves... the Music genius & the kind you eat.
ReplyDelete