Swearbear's Swan Song
by Sny Sneedly
Fresno, CA
Outgoing mayor Ashley Swearengen was tight-lipped regarding her final term in office, but we were able to snatch a copy of her outgoing address. Verbatim-
“We all recall when I was first elected to be the mayor of this glorious city. Fresno was a mess, and frankly, my predecessor had let this town go. That’s precisely why you picked me. I was perky, bright, female, and blonde. I took it upon myself to tighten up this city. Of course, I’m only one woman, but I worked hard to fix those trouble spots. And I did.
Except for Downtown. No-one wants to go downtown. I’ve given you everything I could, and all I asked, respectfully, was for you to go downtown. You tell me that you don’t like going Downtown. You say that, “It smells like pee, it’s not safe, and there are too many one-way streets.”
First off, let me tell you right now, I had my downtown tested, and it’s hella safe. On a scale of one to Stockton, Downtown Fresno isn’t even a Merced. Look it up.
Also, It’s perfectly natural for a full grown city to have a downtown that smells like pee, and whose streets all are one-way. I don’t know what kind of trashy downtowns you’ve driven through lately, where they let you drive how you like, but this downtown ain’t down with that. This downtown is classy.
Got it?
Maybe, if you listened to me just once, you could appreciate all that this downtown has to offer. Did you even know that we have buildings that are already built? Ready to go! Downtown Fresno (DTF), as I proposed in the past, just needs a good “infill-ratio." You'd be amazed what a good “infill-ratio” can do for a downtown. DTF may just surprise you. I sit in my office, and I look down upon this downtown, our downtown. Shiny, glistening, and neglected. Downtown is waiting, yearning for you to come and be apart of it. I am DTF and I want you to be DTF too.
Please Fresno, I implore you: Come downtown with me.”
Sincerely DTF,
Mayor Swearbear
Fresno, CA
Outgoing mayor Ashley Swearengen was tight-lipped regarding her final term in office, but we were able to snatch a copy of her outgoing address. Verbatim-
“We all recall when I was first elected to be the mayor of this glorious city. Fresno was a mess, and frankly, my predecessor had let this town go. That’s precisely why you picked me. I was perky, bright, female, and blonde. I took it upon myself to tighten up this city. Of course, I’m only one woman, but I worked hard to fix those trouble spots. And I did.
Except for Downtown. No-one wants to go downtown. I’ve given you everything I could, and all I asked, respectfully, was for you to go downtown. You tell me that you don’t like going Downtown. You say that, “It smells like pee, it’s not safe, and there are too many one-way streets.”
First off, let me tell you right now, I had my downtown tested, and it’s hella safe. On a scale of one to Stockton, Downtown Fresno isn’t even a Merced. Look it up.
Also, It’s perfectly natural for a full grown city to have a downtown that smells like pee, and whose streets all are one-way. I don’t know what kind of trashy downtowns you’ve driven through lately, where they let you drive how you like, but this downtown ain’t down with that. This downtown is classy.
Got it?
Maybe, if you listened to me just once, you could appreciate all that this downtown has to offer. Did you even know that we have buildings that are already built? Ready to go! Downtown Fresno (DTF), as I proposed in the past, just needs a good “infill-ratio." You'd be amazed what a good “infill-ratio” can do for a downtown. DTF may just surprise you. I sit in my office, and I look down upon this downtown, our downtown. Shiny, glistening, and neglected. Downtown is waiting, yearning for you to come and be apart of it. I am DTF and I want you to be DTF too.
Please Fresno, I implore you: Come downtown with me.”
Sincerely DTF,
Mayor Swearbear
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