Catacomb Party Wows Thousands While Girl Reads Book

by Zara Arboleda Jr

Fresno, CA–


Thousands came from throughout the valley to attend The Catacomb Party, Saturday's free music festival on the Fulton Mall. Many were impressed by Fierce Creatures, or any one of the nine other bands, but one lone hipster girl really stole the show by reading a book in the midst of the crowded festivities. She effortlessly drew attention through the act of Pretentious Public Reading (PPR), a new performance art form that is gaining popularity in hipster circles.

Reading by faint streetlight, surrounded by lively dancing, music, and a general party atmosphere, her composure was unfazed as she powered through the newest Janet Evanovich novel.

“Wow, she is so over it.” Marveled one reveler, drenched in sweat after a raucous set by Sand Diego’s The Silent Comedy. “It’s like she doesn’t even want to be here, and yet she refuses to leave.”

To the uninitiated, it would seem that there are countless better places to read than at an outdoor music festival, at night. But to those familiar with PPR, it was hailed as the ‘holy grail’ of the art. According to an expert, “she was performing one of the most difficult feats in PPR. For her not to have fun at such an exciting, free music show? -- That level of pretension is just staggering.” Discussing the different styles of PPR, he continued, “We have all seen the ‘Coffee Shop Reader’, and the ‘Bar Reader’, and it’s well established that the ‘Party Reader’ is the most difficult of the three. But with this...this new ‘Music Festival Reader’, she has completely raised the bar. I think I even saw her yawn at one point! Amazing!”

Sadly, not all in attendance shared his sense of awe. Of the 2000+ attendees, nearly everyone was visibly having a blast, enjoying what was sure to be the local music event of the summer. One girl was heard to say, “Really? A fucking book? You’ve gotta be joking.”

The reading girl appeared not to notice, casually flicked her cigarette ash onto the ground, and turned the page.