"I Haven't Tried It" Review of Cereal Trip

by Sny Sneedly

Today I’m gonna review the hot new breakfast spot opening in Fresno - Cereal Trip! Here’s the premise: You can walk in and order a bowl of cereal. You can even mix two different types of cereal together! And then you can have them put milk on it, or some toppings like banana or M&M’s or whatever, and then you pay them like $3.00. For a bowl of cereal.

But wait, there’s more! Actually, there really isn’t. That’s it.

It’s a terrible idea for a restaurant, and I’ll tell you why. Restaurants are places that people go to have food prepared for them, instead of just making it for themselves at home. This works great when the food requires special techniques to prepare, special ingredients , tools, or ability, etc. Cereal requires none of these. There is absolutely no reason why anyone would go to a restaurant to have a bowl of cereal poured for them unless they’re out with friends and on a special diet, or they’re an idiot, or they’re Jerry Seinfeld.

The only thing that this restaurant offers that you can’t get at home is the ability to mix small portions of different cereals together, or try just a bowl of some cereal without being forced to buy a whole big box of it (for about $3.50, btw). Except you already can do that. Buy the small individual boxes!

They even turn into their own bowls!

The appeal of cereal for most people is that it’s convenience food that they can make quickly, without making a mess, and can eat in the comfort of their kitchen; probably while wearing a bathrobe. It never really goes bad, doesn’t require refrigeration, can be made regardless of your mental state, and it’s cheap. And I bet that this ease of preparation is also why the proprietors decided to start this restaurant. Because it’s easy, and because they’re lazy. I mean, look at this promotional photo from their website:

This is supposed to wow you. Holy shit, this must of taken at least 1 minute to make! Who has time for that in the morning? To replicate it at home, you would need cereal, a banana, milk and some nuts, and it’s not like most people already have that stuff just lying around, right? No, they’ve taken cereal out of the home kitchen, and increased the price substantially without really improving the product. It’s like if Starbucks only had black coffee, for $3.00 a cup, and it was exactly the same coffee you could make at home. They do have that, but they also have specialty drinks that you can’t make at home, and that’s what brings in most of their business. It’s just simple economics. Unless this cereal spot can really push the creative/exciting end of it, they’re gonna fail. And so far all they have going for them is a handful of nuts and 5 kinds of milk. Sounds about as exciting as… well, about as exciting as a bowl of cereal.

I’ve already seen that there are some pretty excited people commenting on the beehive about how much they can’t wait to eat at this place, and I want to wish more power to them. But that unfounded excitement can’t last. Lets face it: This is a bad idea that deserves to fail. Once all the hipsters have had their bowl of chocolate frosted sugar bombs with soy milk and pretzels on top, they’re gonna forget about this place and go back to skipping breakfast.

When we started this blog, our mission was to call ‘em like we see’s ‘em, to treat Fresno like a big city that can take some serious criticism, and honestly, this was a tough review for me to write. Mainly, because I haven’t eaten at the restaurant (but I have had nearly everything on their menu, I assure you). But by this point, we all know that that’s not what my reviews are about. But it was also tough because the owners seem like nice people, and I would like to see them succeed, but this idea ain't it. Let’s quit pretending things are great when they aren’t, because they just trivialize the truly great things that Fresno has to offer.

Cereal Trip: Idea – 1/10 , Execution 10/10 (because nobody could screw up a bowl of cereal)